The hands

The truth is, we're all fighting time, fighting the hands of a clock among the fights of several other things. We fight ourselves and battle out our self doubt, self pity, along with several obstacles we face.

We have timelines for everything whether we are aware of it or not and the biggest one being the end of our lives.
Some people are religious, some rebellious, and many have no clue what or who they are.
If the meaning of life is to discover what the meaning is then it must vary from each person you talk to.
As a college student, I am being very mindful of the decisions I make which so greatly influence my actions.
If I have learned one thing from adolescence it's that spur of the moment things can be great, but planning is OKAY.

I was free willed, free spirited. I still am, but I'm learning my strengths alongside my weaknesses. Sometimes boundaries are necessary even if we don't want to admit that.

Dating back from most recent events to the deep stored memories of my past I can't say that I have stayed with in my boundaries enough.
Life is full of heart break and several mistakes that can cost several things that are of great worth to us. I for one learn from my mistakes the hard way.

Right and wrong should be depicted as easily as black and white, but we have so many, if not too many, gray areas.
I'm kind of in that gray area more so because of my confusion of what I want to do in life. Sometimes I think I'm in the purest shade of white while other times I struggle to even see the slightest bit of any color.

My imagination is huge and full of color.
Currently what I want more than anything is to do well in college in order to succeed in my future.
In the past years I have put others before me, which I still don't believe is a bad thing, however, along the way I forgot to care about myself. I forgot what I wanted, actually I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
People's wants became my wants because all that I had wanted was for the people I cared about to be taken care of and happy.
Yet, I wasn't taking care of myself. And I know now that you can't make everyone happy.
I didn't love or respect myself enough to be able to fully love and respect other people around me like I wanted. When I began to notice the gaps in my friendships and the struggles I had to make things as good as they could be I noticed it was because I had felt entirely empty.
I don't think I ever have worked through it completely. I still find myself doing things for others when I don't have time, and when I need to be doing things for me, but time management is my goal. I promise this really isn't supposed to be a rant. I just want this documentation for what I am learning during college. I want this to explain why I am always fighting the hands clocks or humans, I am always fighting something.

I apologize if I go off in tangents and yes you will lose me some point of the way through this blog, so for starters here's who I am so that you might understand where I'm coming from a little bit more-

-I want to be successful

-I don't pray nearly enough

-I struggle with contradicting my wants

-I let out my emotion through playing my piano/guitar/uke/singing

-I love gift giving for no reason

-I aspire to leave a good lesson for others to follow when I die

-I want to be remembered

I want to win the fight with the hands.
I want to be able to buy time because I am so successful.